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Sunday, April 17th, 2005
8:39 pm - genre vs. john rah
the other night, i was telling my dad about the movie "sin city". i told him it was a "comic" that was adapted to screen and the "comic" was actually from the graphic novel genre. he said, "i don't even know who JOHN RAH is!?" no dad, i didn't say JOHN RAH, I said genre. and proceeded to explain that genre meant a certain type of something. it was worth a few laughs.

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4:37 pm - fun novelty gift websites
i love creative, novelty items...i love shopping for them as gifts because you can usually find something that fits a person's personality perfectly...one of my coworker's birthday is next month and she's always letting people borrow her CDs. there have been some times as of late where her CDs have not been returned to her, so i ordered her a personal library kit for audiophiles - you can see it by clicking here

here are some other great sites i came across today...

www.wishingfish.com

www.catchingfireflies.com

www.uncommongoods.com

www.redenvelope.com

http://www.knockknock.biz/home.php

happy shopping!

current mood: cheerful

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Saturday, April 16th, 2005
2:45 pm - bad, bad week
this past week was a pretty bad one...other than the tori concert on thursday...everything else was pretty much a bomb...

work was absolutely awful, twice this week i rubbed my boss the wrong way and that isn't something i'm used to. i'm not used to being on someone's bad list. it feels terrible. i thought i was doing the right thing by offering suggestions and trying to go above and beyond, but sometimes your boss just wants you to do the minimum. i realized that i derive a lot of my self esteem from my work. that for so long i was somewhat of the "golden child" and felt great about life, about work. then this past week i haven't been in my boss' good graces and i have felt like a loser and it's been tough to go to work. i hate that feeling. i woke up thinking about it and that's when it dawned on me how much i let work effect my life. work is work and when i'm not there it needs to stay there...so that's something i need to be working on within me...

the tori show was fabulous! we missed the opener, which i was bummed about because i have only heard raving things about matty nay, from faygoredpop - in asking around i guess he only played for 20 minutes. tori was by herself, which is a treat because then she plays a much wider variety of songs. she played many old songs, which was great, but i actually found myself wanting to hear a few songs off "a scarlet's walk" and "the beekeeper". i don't think she did any off of scarlet's and only 2 or 3 off the beekeeper and none of the songs that i wanted to hear off the beekeeper. oh well, she was in true form and i always love seeing tori.

i was so exhausted last night from my terrible week that i went to bed at 10pm last night and didn't wake up until 2pm today. i feel rested and that is something i haven't felt all week. i'm off to the gym, to church and to meet duck. bye!

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Monday, April 11th, 2005
10:19 pm
my goal is to be in bed with the lights turned off (hopefully asleep) by 11pm. i still want to read after i post, so i'm not leaving myself much time...

today was another beautiful day outside. i wore one of the new outfits that i picked up yesterday...black capris with a turquoise blue sash belt and a matching solid, v-neck t-shirt. i felt good about myself and i wasn't as self concious as usual as when i'm in my frumpy garb. i was also very comfortable too. very important.

my therapist posed an intersting thought to me today and it's one i never thought of before. i was talking to her about how i hate looking in the mirror and i avoid it at all costs. she said, "being overweight is not the worst thing you could see in that reflection. you could see a mean, hateful person, a murderer, a thief. you are none of those things, yet you tell yourself you're horrific - worse than all of those things." she's right...i do. and she's right being overweight is not the worse thing. it is my current cirmcumstance - it is not who i am. she also gave me a way to think about feelings in effort to start compartamentalizing my feelings instead of applying them everywhere and towards everyone. it was a useful tool to be more objective about my subjectivity. i like what she said about feelings too. she said that feels are an internal reaction to outside stimuli and that anything can cause or trigger them. it doesn't make sense for me to be so hard on myself for the feelings i experience because i was triggered to feel that way. no need to be hard on myself. it doesn't mean that the situation is the same to evoke the emotion, but i am feeling my feelings for a reason and it felt good knowing that because it was a sense of validation for my feelings.

i'm stressing a bit about the compensation for my new position at work. while it is a promotion, i am worrying that i will actually make less money because i may not get the bonuses i currently get because i will no longer be on the same team - must let go and let God. He will provide.

i have a real bad headache and the computer glare is not helping...more later...oh look, i still have time to read before bed. :)

current mood: sleepy

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Sunday, April 10th, 2005
10:05 pm
this past week was busy, but i was more social than i have been in ages. it felt good. once i get out there and start doing things with friends i really think it increases my happy hormones :) i still get real self-concious at first, feeling uncomfortable and worrying about my appearance, but i have been able to let that go a lot easier and just start focusing on enjoying the company of my friends. that has been helpful because it helps me live in the moment and not convincing myself that i'll be content in the future. i can be content now.

i'm really sleepy right now. it was an absolutely beautiful day outside. perfect weather. duck stayed the night, so i drove him to work this morning. i went to church last night, which works out so well with my weekend schedule. after i dropped duck off at work, i got my car washed, went to borders, chatted with faygoredpop on the phone, went clothes shopping (saved $125 with my coupons!), went to walmart and got car cleaning supplies, went grocery shopping, got gas, detailed and vaccumed the inside of my car, took duck his wallet because he forgot it this morning (hmph), ate dinner, cleaned my closet, made my bed, waxed my eyebrows, painted my toenails...whew! no wonder i'm so exhausted...and sore...it was a great and productive day.

i'm trying to minimize my stuff. i have way too much stuff and i've already gotten rid of so much stuff. i rarely buy clothes yet every 4-6 months i go through my clothes and easily donate 5-7 bags each time. it's just crazy how much stuff and how many clothes i have. and what's worse is i barely wear or use any of it. it's time to get realistic and ORGANIZED.

still looking for houses. i'm really darn picky. keep praying that i find something affordable, close to work and church. please continue praying for me finding a place.

my emotions have been ranging from being an internal hot iron with one little look or incidient acting as a small drop of water hitting that hot iron leading my insides sizzle and burn to hurting pain to small joys finding their way into my heart brighting my whole world. it's different this time. i'm still emotional as hell, but i am feeling the feelings and moving on to the next state. i'm not getting stuck in the pain or the anger for too long. it comes, i acknowledge it, feel it, let it linger for a short while and then move on. i can't believe tomorrow is already monday, my day for therapy. this week may be another busy one. tomorrow is therapy night, wednesday is church, thursday is tori and working lots of hours to make up for my lack of hours this past week. i better get to sleep to start the week off right.

current mood: productive

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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
10:22 pm
i've been so busy busy this week, i'm so tired from it too...i am going to keep this short as more of notes to myself to explore in my next entry, but therapy was really good tonight...i need to explore the following issues:

--i associate the following: boredom = rejection
--am i bored or am i lonely?
--boredom is a lack of stimulation, what else could i be exploring if i feel bored?
--when i'm alone is that a self-fullfilling propehcy of rejection or do i really enjoy it?

church was good tonight, afterwards i talked to brad (sr. pastor) and asked him if there was any scripture that discussed enabling someone and he said that there was no black and white scripture on it, but based on the brief situation i explained to him that studying discpline in the Bible might be useful. he said that he felt bad when he would have to punish his kids, but he knew it was out of love and the best thing for them. he also encouraged me to read the book, "boundaries" i'm going to swing by half.com after this to see if it is available to order.

monday was amy's birthday celebration, last night was my sissy's bday and tomorrow is duck's bday.

more later...i've got to order that book, clean my scary toilet, read a little and then go to bed.

current mood: tired

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Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
12:26 pm
i had to make an emergency appointment with my therapist yesterday. my mom definitely crossed a line that was unacceptable. After i posted my last journal entry, I went to sleep only to be abruptly woke up at 3 a.m. my mom bust open the door to my bedroom and threw a letter on my bed (in response to the email I mentioned in my last entry) and said in the meanest, nastiest voice, “here’s a reply to your sweet, little letter”, then slammed my door shut and stormed up the stairs. I was in shock. I just lay in the dark shocked, then frightened, then angry. I remembered the lock on my door and locked it to prevent her from coming back. I was immediately transported back to the days when my parents were both drinking (and when they weren't) and they would do things like that to me. I remained in the dark quiet and began to pray. About 20 minutes after the insane tantrum in my room, she started stomping around the kitchen, which is right above where I sleep. She knows very well that I can hear every noise and am often woken up by people’s normal activity in the kitchen, let alone crazy temper tantrum behavior. She stomped around and pressed a million buttons on the microwave for about five minutes. I believe she wanted me to come up there raging and angry so she could start shooting bullets back. She wanted to hurt me. I refused, and will continue to refuse, to give her the attention that she wants. She has been acting so immature this week that I’m just done with it. Obviously, trying to communicate with her is not getting me anywhere, so I will distance myself from her and her tantrum ways and her ridiculous behavior. What she did by busting in my room and waking me up and continuing to try and prevent me from sleeping was simply a form of abuse. This is not behavior that I will tolerate.

I was actually scared to go home last night. I just needed to be out of that situation. My mom's behavior this past week has been a rude awakening to me. My mom hasn't acted like this since 1997 when she left our family and moved to Washington for a year and a half. I didn't talk to her while she was gone, but reestablished a relationship with her when she moved back in late 1998. when she came back, she was a completely different person then the mother that I had known my entire life. Ever since she came back we have had (what I thought was) this wonderful relationship that was new and refreshing and the relationship that I had longed for my entire life. I was wrong though, that crazy, irratic, immature mother was always still there, but just not active until this past week. I have realized that as long as she is under the impression that I am on her side believing she is the victim of my dad, her job, her life - then she is the "ideal" mom. But when I wasn't going to support her victim role, then the mom I knew my whole life came back in full force. Like I said, this has been a rude awakening. I haven't seen the mother that I knew from as far back as I can remember until I was 18 years old in about 6 years. It has been somewhat devasting, but not too much because I was just enjoying the actress so much and now it is just accepting reality that she still very much has this mean streak to her.

My therapist made a good point at how my mom has worked really, really hard to convince my sister and I that she was the victim of my dad and it was all him. We pin all of the blame on my dad. That just isn't true though. Yes, my dad had a ton of responsibility in my parents horrific marriage and blessing of a divorce, but it was not all my dad. My mom convinced me that the reason she treated him and us the nasty way she did is because he made her behave that way. The way she has treated me this past week is the same way that she treated him throughout their marriage and that was not appropriate to him either. My mom is a master at playing the victim. It’s everyone else’s actions, not hers.

Another important point that my therapist wanted to make clear to me was to compartimentalize that this is my mom's behavior, this is not everyone else in my life's behavior. My mom is sick and dysfunctional, but not everyone is out to hurt me. that was good that she planted that seed in my head because this past week has made me weary. It has raised fear that everyone else could be fooling me and the minute I don't agree with them then they could turn on a dime and do everything in their power to hurt me. while someone could do that to me, i'm not going to live my life like that. if it happens, i'll just deal with it at the time because if i live my life like everyone is out to behave the same way as my parents then i'll never have trust or have functional relationships with anyone.

I had a fantastic realization while I was praying after my mom stormed in my room. I have been praying for a few months that the Lord reveal a place for me to move to that would be close to work and church. I haven’t been very actively searching though because i have (had) such a comfortable renting situation living with my mom. very cheap and everything included. well, this experience was a blessing because it has activated "operation get motivated" and i have started looking for somewhere close to work and church to live.

overall, this situation has been so stressful and not very pleasant, but i'm proud of myself. i'm so proud of the way that i have handled myself - not one outburst, not one ounce of giving in to her behavior and actually finding the positives in the situation. this experience is not paralyzing me to not living my life and i'm still striving for happiness and grace in my life because i do believe i deserve it.

current mood: relieved

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Friday, April 1st, 2005
12:21 am
so, i'm really pissed right now. i don't understand why i allow so many undeserving people the ability to steal my joy. it's ridiculous. it's also frustrating because the dr. has got me digging deep and it's releasing this crazy outlash of emotions. not too long ago, and for a very long time, things were rolling off my back just fine. now - not so much. right now, i'm fuming. en fuego.

feeling comfortable in justified anger is not something that i've ever gotten used to. it's going to take a lot of work. i'm really angry at my mom right now. she got fired from her less-than-stellar job for her less-than-stellar behavior. of course, she doesn't see it that way, she doesn't see her responsibility at all. anyways. she has been dreaming for months and months that her job would fire her and she would be able to collect unemployment while she plays on the computer all day. what she didn't realize in her grand delusion is that she would also no longer have her all-expense paid company car (inc. gas, car insurance, car payment and matienience) or her all-expense paid cell phone. my mom has terrible credit and no savings. she couldn't get a car or a cell phone if she wanted to.

so, she acted like a three year old the other day and locked me out of her room and refused to hug me after i told her that i wasn't going to financially support her and that i believe she had responsibility in her firing. she claims that she doesn't expect me to support her, but wants to use my car and have people call her on my cell phone. so, the past two days i haven't been home because duck and i have been celebrating our 2 year anniversary. the day after her childish temper tantrum she emails me and acted like it never happened, wishing me a great time on my anniversary.

tonight she came down to see me and acted as if nothing happened. we talked some small talk and then things led to her current unemployed situation. she told me she was approved for 6 months unemployment and she couldn't be happier. i asked her very calmly and unaccusingly if she was planning on looking for another job at this time. she shrugged her shoulders like a teenager and said, "nah. i don't know. maybe." i asked her if she was going to get a phone and she said she wanted me to open a line of credit (right before duck and i apply for a mortgage) to get her a phone because she can't with her bad credit. i told her very calmly that i wasn't going to do that and i also didn't want people continuing to call her on my phone if she wasn't planning on getting at least a pre-paid phone. she got all huffy again and tried to lay the guilt trip of "oh, i'm SORRY that it is such a HUGE inconvience for you to give me messages." i let no emotion show and told her i would prefer that people no longer called her on my phone. she acted like a three year old again and ran upstairs.

i was so pissed and an old part of me would have ran upstairs after her and started a fight, but i refused. instead, i sent her this email:

Read more...Collapse )
I do love her, but i'm really pissed at her right now and i refuse to let her childish antics and guilt trips control me. the most important thing i can do for her now is pray for her, which is what i'm about to do as i go crash on my pillow. good night.

current mood: angry

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Monday, March 28th, 2005
10:21 pm
i'm pretty upset right now. things go so well when you're not in therapy. the denial just puts you on auto-pilot and there's not a care in the world. this past week has been a really busy one leaving me with no time to journal, but needing to journal badly. last monday at therapy, i had some great breakthroughs, but i left feeling extremely emotional and feeling pretty raw. last week my emotions were in complete control of me as they acted completely out of control. i had many mood swings and if someone looked at me the wrong way i was either fuming mad or brought to tears or both. it is so frustrating, but necessary, and a natural part of therapy. i'm in the "flood stage" where all of the emotions that i pushed down on purpose and with food start flooding out after the gate is opened.

to make a long story short, my mom got fired from her job today. she has no savings, no 401k - no back up plan. she is really irresponsible when it comes to all of that stuff and her getting fired was mostly her fault too. she believes she has no responsiblity in it whatsoever. fine, that's her perception. i have been trying to dodge the dark cloud of doubt and tear that has been growing above my head for a few months now. this cloud has been telling me that she is going to expect me to pick up her pieces and carry her through this financially. she is excited that she is going to get unemployment and not have to work - this has been her dream for months. what happens when it runs out? her job provided her with a car, car insurance, car matienience, gas, cell phone and health insurance. all of those things are now gone. i have been growing very anxious because i know that she's going to ask for money and expect to be taken care of. when she emailed me today and told me she was fired, i grew exhausted and drained of emotion. she already asked if she could use my car and has people calling her on my cell phone. it makes me angry. it makes me angry because her irresponsibility got her in this mess and she isn't going to try and remedy it. i feel like by doing these things it enables her to not work and have us kids pay for things.

i had therapy today and i told my therapist of my feelings. she convinced me that i had to tell my mom how i was feeling. that i feel angry that she got fired and angry at the thought that she would want me to take care of her. i was absolutely terrified. i didn't want to tell her. i didn't want to kick her while she was already down. my therapist said, "don't worry. she'll be okay, you may not be, but she will be." she was right. i wasn't okay after i told my mom this. i was hysterical. my emotions ranging from guilt, to relief, to sadness, to anger, to fear and a lot more guilt on top of that.

i tried to go upstairs to give her a phone message (people call her on my phone now that she doesn't have one - this is really annoying) and my mom locked me out of her room. i didn't pursue it, i just left a note on the counter. i feel abandoned all over again. all i want is to not feel abandoned and take care of my mom so she doesn't abandon me, but it just isn't the right thing to do. i have issues with being a Christian and trying to do the right thing and provide for someone in need, but i am afraid that it will just enable her. actually, i know it will hinder her more if i swoop in then if i don't. i feel like such a selfish little brat right now, but everyone keeps telling me this isn't my fault. it's not my fault that she was irresponsible on the job and lost it and it's not my responsibility to support her financially through this time.

my mom is very angry at me right now. she has locked me out of her room and refuses to speak to me. that hurts. the abandoned kid in me just wants to give in and swoop and rescue her so she'll not abandoned me, but she is acting like the kid right now and that's not good to reinforce that behavior. my head is pounding and i have no idea if i did the right thing or not. please pray for me.

current mood: crushed

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Monday, March 21st, 2005
11:23 pm - company trips and trips down memory lane
i'm back from the bahamas mamas! what an incredible, much-needed vacation! 566 people from the company got to go on the all-expenses paid trip and i knew quite a few people of the bunch. it was like hanging out with 100 of your most outgoing, fun friends for 3 days straight in the Caribbean. by the way, we got paid to go and we didn't have to use any personal vaca time. the trip was great. i partied a little, slept a bit and relaxed a lot. it was great fun and the weather was incredible... good times.

tomorrow, the company is taking us on an all expenses paid trip to see an out of town NBA basketball game. this includes transportation, souvenirs, dinner and a meet & greet. i'm not the biggest sports aficionado, but how great is a trip like this?! i will also get paid for this trip and not have to take any personal time off. best part, get to create more memories with great friends. i'm really looking forward to this, but i should be sleeping right now because it is going to be a long day/night tomorrow, but i'm really trying to get in the habit to journal everyday...

it may appear that my company wastes a lot of money on its employees, but this is not the case at all. my company make billions of dollars in profit each year and this is mostly because the employees love their jobs so much and want to work so hard for the company. it's really a great philosophy at my work - take care of your employees and your employees will take care of you. it's a shame other organizations don't see it this way.

i had my 4th session with my new therapist tonight and much ground was covered and i had a few important realizations. crucial realizations. things were revealed to me that i have been longing to be aware of for quite some time now. i finally have started breaking ground as to why i *know* my eating disorder is controlling my life, but i can't make the decisions to get it under control. i identified in my last session some of the things that i "hungered" for when i was a child...attention, consistency, unconditional love and i also explore how much i am thrive on the chaos of my eating disorder. tonight i had a big understanding as to why i'm addicted to this chaos. the only time i got those things that i hungered for as a child was when i was in the middle of complete chaos. the first image that came to my mind is when my parents would get in brawls in the middle of the night. this pattern emerged where my mom would come storming in my room in the middle of the night, leap into my bed and put be in front of her as her shield from my dad's physical violence because he would never hit us kids and she knew that. i was scared out of my mind during those times, but i felt that i was serving the highest purpose - i was protecting my mom from being harmed. i felt important, i got attention and that was when it was consistent. my mom would hold me close and tell me how much she loved me. she would hug me so tightly and i would feel loved. another huge time in my life when this occurred was when my parents got divorced and my mom left. i felt so abandoned, so hurt. my dad and i became closer than ever. for a few months, we had the relationship that i'd always hungered for. again, another situation of extreme pain, fear and chaos where i was rewarded with my needs being met. i look back at those times now and find the situations sickening, but those terrible experiences and the attention that i received have provided an emotional link in my brain that in extreme chaos is when i feel most important. when i feel that i have purpose. it explained so much. so much. it explained why i feel so good when others come to be during their times of chaos because i can rescue them, protect them and in turn feel comfort and have my starving needs met.

i was bawling in my session, i let the pain surface and just cried. i wanted a hug, but i'm starting to realize that i need to be able to comfort myself first. others are not my source of comfort. others can provide wonderful companionship and general support, but cannot be my life source. food can not be my source of comfort either. it's time to break the cycle. this comfort has to come from within and most of that is derived from positive thoughts, but the source of all has to come from my foundation - my rock - Jesus. He is the savior and when I can't stand he calls me to lean on Him. i am blessed. so blessed. blessed for the knowledge that i have gained and will gain and blessed that i have a rock to stand on during through it all.

i am so grateful for this knowledge and i know as the thoughts come and work through this there will be more. it's time for bed, i've got a long day tomorrow.

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Monday, March 14th, 2005
10:42 pm
my weekend was absolutley incredible. i got to see my boo, pooh a.k.a. faygoredpop. after thinking about it, faygoredpop and i realized it had been a year since we'd seen each other! as soon as we sat down in his apartment it felt as if we had just been hanging out last weekend. it was an amazing time engaging our ritual of watching movies, playing music on his laptop and seeking fun and interesting sites on the net. what a wonderful friend i have in my pooh. i can't wait to do it again!

my resolution for 2005 was attempt be more consisent in my life. i don't feel as if i'm disorganzed, just inconsistent, in regards to my schedule. so following the advice of faygoredpop, which was, "remember: the more journal-like things you maintain, the better" i'm attempting to keep more lists, and such, online. it's paperless, which i'm a huge fan of, and it keeps me accountable.

it's 10:46pm and i still have a lot of things that i want to accomplish tonight. i didn't get home from work until 9pm and i've been catching up on things since.

i still have to take a shower, update my checkbook, manage my tivo to-do list, do a million things to get ready before i leave on my cruise this thursday, read and sleep.

one of the downfalls of having a flex schedule at work is that i tend to go in late and leave late using the morning time to sleep of course. i'd rather not do that. so, tomorrow i want to get to work early because i have to leave early. duck and i are spending quality time together tomorrow night because our schedules have been so opposite lately and i'm leaving for my trip and i won't see him for a few days.

we met for dinner last and laughed and enjoyed ourselves. he was gone this weekend visiting his friends from college because it was time for their annual fantasy baseball reunion. i always tease him after he's been hanging out with his friends and ask my infamous question, "did you tell them all how much you love me?" in my most silly, girlish girlfriend voice. his response made me blush and made my heart skip a beat. he told me that he told all of them that we would be engaged soon. wow. what a great moment. i can't wait to take care of him forever.

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Sunday, March 13th, 2005
9:09 pm - rockin' in the soul of jolie rickman
i can barely type right now because my arms feel like lead. it's been a few years since i've listened to "emma goldman", which is one of my all-time favorite songs. i remember when its singer opened her home to me and some friends as we made our way to a folk fest out east. she sat in the middle of the floor with her guitar on a warm summer day with the breeze coming through the windows and that's when i heard "emma" for the first time. i remember sitting transfixed by what i had just heard, it was incredible. listening to this song now stirs more emotion within than ever before. but most of my emotion from listening to "emma" this time is because i'll never be able to tell its singer why i had to cut communication off with her at the time that i did. i didn't want her to feel like she had to choose and i hadn't been the most stellar of friends at the time either so i didn't want to her to have sympathy for someone that wasn't very dependable at the time.

the news of her death has come as a shock to me. i have never had someone that i've known die and especially one that i've let down. she had the most inspiring soul. her heart was so big, she was so kind and passionate. she had the voice of angel. if i could call her up right now this is what i would say to her: "i'm so sorry if i hurt you. i'm so sorry that i let you down." i would tell her what happened and i know she would understand. that was her nature. she was so understanding. she was so encouraging and had so much dedication to help and bring awareness for those in need. she had the most open-mind of anyone i have ever met.

i'm definitely grieving the loss of her. my heart goes out to her loved ones and all of those that she touched.

i'll miss you jolie and i really am so sorry. you have left a legacy behind and i thank you for all that you did in the short time you were here. thank you for everything that you taught me.

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Monday, March 7th, 2005
9:08 pm
i started seeing a new therapist last week. one who was recommended by the life care ministries director at church and who also specializes in the treatment of eating disorders. it's been going well. i've been in so much therapy that i don't hold back, what's the point? i'm there for help and i'm going to my part in order to get it.

unlike my last two therapists, she is able to handle my comments about my eating disorder and doesn't tell me to "just eat more fruit" or like the other one said, "eat more dishes with beans in them." finally, i'm being validated in my sickness and working with someone who knows how to treat it.

i realized some important things during and after this session. the first is that i started labelling some of the things that i have "hungered" for through my life...unconditional love, attention, normalcy and consistency.

i grew up chaos...in a home that you never knew what you were walking into. i was on eggshells constantly and was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. it is what i know, it is ingrained. i was having such trying to figure out why following WW was so easy a few years ago and all of the attempts after have been failed. i think one piece to the puzzle is that when i was so successful everything else in my life was complete chaos. it was the only thing i was able to control when everything was out of control at work and in previous relationship. now that i have a great relationship, job and homelife i am creating chaos with my eating disorder.

i think a part of it too is that i believe deep down that i don't deserve happiness or health. intellectually, i know that is bullsh*t, but emotionally i have one pissed of little girl who wants her way and is pissed off she couldn't get it for so long. she is so emotional, so immature, so sad. i really do want to help her. i want to show her that she doesn't have to rebel against the consistency that my adult self craves so much.

a really interesting point that my therapist brought to my attention was that i use my EQ rather than IQ in situations involving food (among others). i was telling her how i was confused that my adult, knowledgable self tells this irrational emotional self what is right and what is good, but that my emotional self always wins with what isn't in my best interest. she said that emotions is what drives us especially in an emotional person life myself. i was always berating myself for letting my emotions take over, but that is usually what happens in most people regarding most situations whatever it may be. it just made a lot of sense and therapy is going well so far.

tracks on the new tori cd are starting to pop out at me like i knew they would...it's so nice. i love when her music talks to me...so far i'm into the quirky tracks - "sweet the sting", "cars and guitars" and "ireland"...i'm fading into the more sweeter tunes..."martha's foolish ginger" is fantastic. i also enjoy "ribbons undone". i can't to see her live next month...

i'm really debating whether or not to make a colon hydrotherapy appointment. i've heard pros and cons...i'll keep you posted. any thoughts?

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Sunday, February 27th, 2005
9:54 pm
the oscars are so boring. i wish chris rock had more screentime, he is the only thing that has kept an ounce of my interest.

i am pretty sure i was suffering from exhaustion, real exhaustion, the past few weeks. the cold that i was fighting off allowed the thought of taking friday off to enter my mind and it was one of the best things i've done in a long time. i really needed the day off. i slept a lot and caught up on the shows that i tivo-ed. i also watched the following movies: "envy", "the stepford wives" and "the terminal" - all light and entertaining. i love christopher walken. he was in envy and stepford wives, he's so odd and whitty. i love watching him in all of his goofball roles because no matter what i know watching him i'll be surprised, humored and amused by what comes out of his mouth.

john and i saw "constintine" on saturday, it kept my attention, but i had no expecations so it wasn't a let down and it couldn't exceed them. the best part was the appearance of gavin rossdale in the role of balthazar. he was great! what an awesome surprise, he's decent. i hope to see him in more roles. i agree with john when he said it was better seeing gavin in constintine then gwen in the aviator.

today i bought tori's new cd for $9.72 at walmart. so far it doesn't sound as good as scarlet's walk, but it is appealing. i need to listen to it nonstop in my car for the next few weeks so i can really hear and digest it. i'm excited to see her again on april 14th.

so it's back to work tomorrow and while i love my job i'm scared of getting swept up in the whirlwind of it all.

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Monday, December 27th, 2004
7:38 pm
Christmas was glorious! Lots of love and laughter! Went by way too fast though, not used to the lack of holiday vaca, but it wasn't bad going back at all.

I've never heard "Macy's Day Parade" by Greenday until about 3 minutes ago and I absolutely love it...love it...love it...

I had to leave work early for an eye appointment, but it ended up being a day full of accomplishments and blessings. I started having blurriness in my left eye 2 days ago, so I made an eye doctor appointment today (I HAVE AMAZING VISION INSURANCE!!) and it was with the mysterious doctor that I had seen back in 1998 who was so awesome, but never could remember his name to go back to. I found out he has his own private practice now. I found it on my insurance provider's website. Something clicked and I realized it was him, so they fit me in at 3:30 today. In going, I received my yearly eye exam, upgraded contacts and he found nothing seriously wrong with my left eye, but I'm to go back in 2 weeks so he can look again. He's awesome!

I went and got my oil changed, tires rotated and deposited the check from the last petsitting job I ever want to do again for the rest of my life!

I am now having too much fun playing with my computer...time to go hook up the new printer John bought me for Christmas.

I saw the most magnificant rainbow today...there was a quite a bit of distance between the sun and the rainbow, but the rainbows were arches that were hugging the sun. It gave me chills and brought tears to me eyes. God was smiling down on me.

current mood: grateful

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Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
10:44 am
oh happy day!

work is going GREAT!! i am currently employee of the month, got an award, have my own parking spot with my name on it AND (!!) I found out yesterday that my boss reserved me a spot on a cruise to the bahamas in March for high acheivers.

i love the holidays! despite a mistake i made by transferring money into the wrong bank account and overdrawing, everything is going awesome. i drove by a local company yesterday and they had "Happy Birthday Jesus" on their marquee. i am going to call them and thank them for that. i can't wait until Christmas. i'm overflowing with the Spirit!

happy holidays!

current mood: ecstatic

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Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
12:15 am - note to self...
NOTE TO SELF: i'm never pet sitting again. well, i will for john's sister (despite the holes chewed in the wall). i'm never dealing with cleaning cat poo in the kitchen sink, cats knocking on the door all night just like they're dogs, cats pooing whereever they feel like it, dogs pooing & dancing in it whereever they feel like it, car alarms going off & police at 4 AM, giving cats a shot of insulin because they are diabetic, giving dogs pills because they are elipletic, sleeping in a room with not 1, but 2, cremated dogs, looking at framed pictures of animals doing "stupid pet tricks", cleaning litter boxes, opening wet, canned cat food, driving an hour and a half to appease a neurotic pet owner. just never again. done. peace. i'm out.

so exhausted.

must. get. sleep.

current mood: exhausted

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Thursday, November 4th, 2004
5:38 pm
today was the first day i have registered for classes in a few years. i definately like this post-bachelor's early registration set-up they've got going on. internet registration is so easy. it took all of 20 seconds to register for 3 classes. sometimes i still find myself amazed at the unlimited potential of the internet.

i had to leave work early today because the firewall on my work computer wouldn't let me register from there. the entire drive home, i was throughly motivated to sort and clean my room after i got home and registered, but now - not so much. my bed is too cozy for it's own good.

john and i are leaving for our whirlwind tour of north and south carolina on saturday and i couldn't be more excited. we opted for a relaxing trip unlike the jam-packed vacation to montreal this summer.

life is good because God is so good to us.

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
3:25 pm
i'm disappointed, but not devastated, that Bush was re-elected, but i knew it was going to happen. anyhow, i did my part though and voted for Kerry.

i am very, very disappointed that prop 2 against gay marriage passed:( i voted NO. the language banned civil unions as well. that is wrong. people are people and need to have equal rights too.

*sigh*

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Sunday, October 24th, 2004
3:36 pm
for some reason or another i haven't seen Fahrenheit 9/11 until now. plans fell through, things came up. i just saw it now and i just cried. i knew, always knew, that sept. 11 and the war in iraq was about money, but never had all of the facts to piece it together. why would be in iraq still if it wasn't about money? i'm surprised the media doesn't show the real images of the innocent civilians and military dying in the streets from our bombs. i know that saddam was a horror, but he's long since gone now - time to move out. people are unjustly dying and being tortured all over the world by their governments, why aren't we running to the aid of all of them? oh, yeah, because it isn't directly tied to bush's investments and money.

i remember when the news showed the first few days of coverage when we started dropping bombs on iraq. i started crying because even though the infrared pictures only captured a green and black city from a distance, i pictured the faces of the boys and girls being awoken with fear in the middle of the night with confusion and dying for someone else's greed. the thousands of innocents that have died just infuriate me. why is it that none of the "haves or have mores" have their kids overseas fighting for their "freedom"? their "freedom" is to become more powerful and keep the divide between rich and poor growing greater and greater. it is nauseating.

i have always planned on voting democratic this election and i still will be, not because of Fahrenheit 9/11, but because this war has gone on too long. there are too many soldiers who have missed the birth of their first-born, the first steps of their children and when they will return home their own children won't even recognize who their own parent is. too many older parents are losing their sons and daughters for someone else's greed - not my freedom. if bush's bank roll wasn't at risk, he wouldn't send all of those soliders to iraq just for my freedom. it doesn't mean anything to him. his freedom means something to him, america's freedom comes second. why doesn't he send jenna and barbara over to iraq and see what people of their age who weren't born into the right family are being forced to do? it's just so disgusting and too ridiculous. we are such a detached society. we don't have sympathy for situations if we don't experience it personally. i have issues with some of kerry's policies, he's not the greatest candidate to me, but i still can't stand bush as much as when he stole office the first time.

i pray to God for those who have been hurt physically, emotionally and psychologically from this war. i pray that they can find peace in their lives and transform their hurt into strength to educate others and provide a better life for themselves and their loved ones. when we are weak it is then that Jesus can be strong within us. i pray that our government looks pasts their personal agendas and starts to put those who are hurting and struggling first. i ask God to rid the government of corruption and not use Your name in vain as a mask to discriminate. Lord, help us all. i ask these things in Your name, amen.

www.takebackourfaith.org
Register, Pray, Vote.

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